OK, just a disclaimer, I don’t actually want to cause harm to anyone. I’m not the violent type…
But lately, man, I’m just looking for a fight.
And I nearly could have gotten myself into one tonite.
I was ending a 2 mile or so run, around 11pm in Seattle. As I finish my run up a small hill, I have to cross a fairly major road. I consider my run done at that road, and I’m a bit out of shape, so I walked rather than run across the road. The closest car was probably 150m away, no where near even needing to slow down to avoid me walking.
Regardless, as the car passes by, the driver has his window down and yells something along the lines of, “Why the **** are you walking across the road”
I blew up.
“Bring it! Come on, turn around!” I yell at the top of my lungs.
Holy crap. Did I just say that out loud in the middle of a busy neighborhood to an unknown car at night?
Yep. I did.
Here’s why I think I did it:
1. I will take risks when I can win, or walk away safely – I was a half a block from my house. I could have been inside a gated building before the car even got fully turned around…so I felt safe.
2. It was a minivan. Not to stereotype…but really, who flips a u-turn in a mini-van to get into a fight?
3. I had just finished my run, and since I went pretty easy, my adrenaline was pumping and I still had some good juice left in me.
Now, those are the situational reasons. But the whole reason I’m writing this out is because I know there are some deeper issues for me here.
In the past few months there have been a couple of days where I told my girl, “Jeez…I was just looking for a fight today” (not a real, punching type fight). Today was one of those days.
I got frustrated at work. I don’t have a ton of urgent work at the moment and I really just wanted to chew out one of my employees today. But, since that’s not me, I didn’t. Never have, but deep down, a part of me really wants too.
You know “The Prince” it’s best to be both feared and loved? Well, I’ve gotten the loved part down….but I’ve never been told I was someone to fear.
I know another reason I’ve been looking for a fight, is that I still feel very trapped by my debt and my past mistakes.
You have the realize the whole reason I took all those risks was not just because I was a trading addict. I really truly wanted to have an adventure of a life, and I felt that having enough money to live that adventure was a necessity. I wanted to impress my family, my mom, my friends.
Fast forward 5-6 years to today….and I still haven’t achieved those old goals. Now, I don’t want to impress anybody. I’m my sharpest critic, I know that.
But I do still crave adventure…and if I think I can win, I’ll probably keep looking for that fight.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Sometimes it’s good to let it out. I actually TRY and fight once a year, every year and then hug it out.
The last fight I was in, I may have cracked my left jaw, so i’ve got to slowdown. It was an intense battle on the basketball court.
Thnx for sharing your anger. We all go through it.
Read the book Wild at Heart. Reminds me of what you’re talking about.
That’s been on my list of books to read for years now…
I would second that book recommendation – also I would recommend taking up some form of boxing or martial arts. I used to kickbox competitively and it’s a great way to let out some aggression. Krav Maga is next on my list
I’ve felt this way too sometimes. It’s a good release. You should look at getting a punching bag, or playing Wii Fit- they have a boxing option that’s actually quite fun.
Wow–I’ve had the same response–hence joining a co-ed competitive ice hockey team a few years ago… but I thought it was just me being weird.
I managed to keep my “fighting” to scrimmaging, but it was a great release. You might want to look into something like that, it can be a really great release, if you are good at knowing when to say “when” to your temper. (I never get really physically upset at people, but the serious threat of getting the living snot kicked out of me on the hockey rink was good for my system. 
I feel this way sometimes too. That’s how I know it’s time to really go nuts at the gym. I actually need to do that tonight…I feel like a looooooong run is in store.