Patricia
BTGNow.net
Dani
debt kid
VA Loan GuyWhat Would A Girl Think Of All This Debt?
OK, so there is this girl that I’m interested in. My big concern is that I can’t be myself completely without letting her know whats been happening and what is continuing to happen in my life right now. And if I can’t be myself…we’ll I’m not very attractive then!
If a girl were to read what I’ve written here…would they be repulsed? Impressed? Feel sorry for me? Think I was crazy?
What do you think? How much do I *share* about what is going on with me? I don’t want to just be like “blah!!!!” and spill my life story. But I also want to be genuine.
Grr….life man.
It ain’t always easy (especially with women involved! no offense meant…I’m just frustrated (mostly at myself of course…)
on September 20th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Kid, while I don’t think you should break out the spread sheets, a simple statement like “I’m working hard to get out of debt so I will not be a big spender for a while.” should get the point across. If she bolts when you mention not being a big spender…then she really wasn’t interested in you. FYI, us chicks can get ourselves into some debt also! LOL You’ll know she’s a keeper if she wants to know your methods and compare Dave Ramsey snowball amounts
on September 20th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Do not reveal your debt upfront. Get to know her first
on September 20th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
lol…Debt snowballs….I can see this happening…
Girl: “So, are you using the snowball method?”
Me: [jaw drops]…”ummm, err….you…..me…marriage?”
ha!
on September 20th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
I’m tellin ya, find an attractive rich widow and marry for money…
on September 20th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Say nothing. Unless it comes up in normal conversation and you feel comfortable with it. Money is not something you talk about on the first, second or third date. Heck, you need to know more important things - like do you connect with her.
If money comes up early in the conversation - that’s a bad sign no matter who you are.
If it comes up, say your struggling or working through things - no details.
on September 20th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Okay ~so I’m not 24 but I have to say that when you meet someone… the last thing you should be talking about is money. Find common ground and relax. Be honest but keep healthy boundaries which includes avoiding sharing personal stuff like debt and money until you feel its time.
Talk about who you are not what you make or debts waiting to be paid off. Life is short, enjoy. Tam
on September 20th, 2007 at 10:19 pm
I’m a 22 year old girl so I hope I can provide a little insight.
When I come to this website, I read about your debt, but I remember your sense of humour and personal drive more than how much debt you have. I’m sure that other girls are the same.
Because you’re a guy, this might work out. Take control of the dating situation, since it’s still traditional that guys ask girls out. So do things like take walks in the park with a picnic basket, getting ice cream cones on a sunny Saturday, or going out for a simple drink after dinner. That way you don’t let on your debt situation from the getgo, and don’t set her expectations high as to what kind of lifestyle you’ve got going on. Lol, don’t show her your budgets or debt totals yet either! Wait until a couple dates in to mention that you’re kind of in a bit of debt and mention you’re working hard at it. Basically, don’t put all your cards out on the table so early. Rest assured after you guys go out that she’ll remember the fun she had, not how stingy you were.
on September 21st, 2007 at 7:54 am
I think what others have said makes sense in terms of what you should say/do on the dates. If you talk about your debt early on, it’s the same as if you were talking about your previous breakups or a chronic health problem early on. It indicates that your mind is more on yourself and your issues than on what you’re doing in the moment, which is not appealing.
That said, if it seems as if you’re getting serious with one another, I do think that it’s important that you let her know before the relationship becomes too entrenched. Speaking as a girl, albeit one who’s a little older than you… I would not want to get seriously involved with someone in your current situation. I’m not looking for a guy who can take care of me, but I am looking for someone who shares my values, both financial and otherwise. It’s good that you’re trying to deal with your problems, but the fact that you got yourself into this situation in the first place is not encouraging. The fact that you used your mother’s money without her permission would also be a big red flag right now. These things speak to what your character was like as recently as a year ago, and to me, a year isn’t that long of a time for that sort of thing. If I were to get involved with a guy who had your sort of history, I would want it to be further in his past. And I would want to know that his more recent behavior demonstrates that he’s become dependable and trustworthy since that time.
That probably sounds very grim, but it’s long-term relationship thinking, not getting to know you dating thinking. You’re not at the long term stage with this girl yet, so it may not be as relevant. Also, I know that there are plenty of women who aren’t like me and who wouldn’t have a problem with where you are right now. I do think that you’re starting on a good path, and for a lot of women that may be enough. For myself, I would just want someone further along the path.
on September 21st, 2007 at 4:58 pm
I’m old and haven’t dated forever, but I think after you’ve gotten to know the girl you’re interested in and you think there might be something to your relationship it’s in your best interest to be up front with her. If she doesn’t take it well, then she’s not the one for you.
Remember you are not your debt!
on September 22nd, 2007 at 1:21 pm
I’m 24 and married, but if a guy that I barely know told me he has a buttload of debt I probably would think that he wants help from me. I’d say that you should get to know her better before putting all of your burdens on her. Also, you should check out her money management skills.
on September 23rd, 2007 at 9:30 am
Great comments posted. I’m 24, I agree with letting the girl get to know you more. I’m sure its hard to try and be yourself everyday (whatever that means) when you have this cloud over your head, I know I’ve been there. After awhile you start to forget who you are. If job and money come up in a conversation, just tell the truth, your a young business owner and working your way through some tough times and learning a bunch about business. DEBTKID I think you know more about running a small business and finances then most people that are 50 years old do. Eventually most women will be concerned with stability and marriage, but for a women to think that life is going to be smooth sailing because her husband has a secure job, she might be seriously disappointed if ten years from now her husband gets laid off or sick, through the courting process you should be able to find out if the women you care about will be a good partner and be able to weather a financial storm with you, any storm for that matter. If she cant then she might leave you high and dry when stuff hits the fan. You can usually tell how a man or women is after going out with them for several months, and weather or not they have theses qualities. I personally want to get married within the next 3-5 years, I’m Christian and strongly believe that when a man and a women get married they become the “perfect image of God” they become one and are complete. It’s hard for me to trust God for finances but I’m working on that, I just remind myself that God is my source, not clients, not my boss, not newspaper customers. The word “Blessing” or “Blessed” means empowerment or empowered. So just because your “Blessed” doesn’t mean that things in the area your blessed in are going to come easy, but you have the empowerment through Jesus Christ to go through trials and tribulation.
on September 25th, 2007 at 8:32 am
I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I have been there and know completely what you’re going through.
And it’s only really 3 or 4 weeks that I;ve had that cloud lifted.
You do go within yourself and lose a sense of identity and who you really are.
There is a way out of this for you. And it can be done in a shorter timescale than you think.
Keep in there!
on September 25th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Tough call.
Really tough call.
The reasons you are in debt (day trading) indicate that you had a problem (gambling). Your hard work indicate that you take responsibility.
If it were me, I’d be concerned on a number of fronts - “a” can you afford to date - not that I’d expect you to foot the bill… however, I would doubt that ski weekends, movies, romantic evenings and other dating rituals would be out unless I were to finance them myself… which would be fine, but then I’d worry I were your “sugar mama.” The “b” concern is if you really had addressed your demons that lead to your situation or if you are in “fixing” mode and if you would “fall off the wagon” in three, five or ten years taking me with you if we were to have a LTR.
Money is a huge issue for relationships… not at the beginning, but as things progress. You need to have your house in order, make added progress on your goals and demonstrate your ability to make money, save, spend and invest wisely.
I know a few women who have spouses who’ve lied about their financial status at the onset of the relationship… they get married and end up in a marriage that is hindered and damaged because of differing money styles and beliefs - with a husband who declares bankruptcy and doesn’t plan for retirement and a wife who is concerned for her financial future and golden years.
on September 29th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
As a 26 yr old girl, I agree that you should get to know her a bit before divulging all your secrets. Good luck and great blog!
on February 13th, 2008 at 7:48 am
[...] 13, 2008 by spiritwealth I’ve been reading Debt Kid’s blog and I see that he fears that he can’t date until he gets his financial house in order. [...]