The whirlwind of getting engaged is now past me.
Whew.
It’s wonderful getting to share a special story and event with my family and friends, but it’s also incredibly exhausting.
It also invites more questions than I am used too, and more than I am comfortable with.
For the past 2-3 years I’ve really tried to stay out of the limelight when it comes to my friends and family. For good reason. I didn’t want them knowing what I had done in regards to my finances.
Now, with a wedding to plan (Summer 2010!), I’m realizing how distant I’ve become from certain topics with my friends and family. It’s not a big deal, especially with things going well now, but it’s still a touchy subject.
You’d think with my blog here, that I like attention. I mean, who blogs about their life that isn’t a little ego-driven, right?
Well, maybe I like digital comments, but in real life, I don’t like to talk about myself too much.
But I’m discovering weddings are alot about the bride and groom!
Any shy people out there have some tips on handling the spotlight?
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
We got married October 21st this year. I had many of the same feelings, because we had an uneven exchange of information about parts of our relationship with our families and friends. Here is my best advice:
Make sure your bride understands exactly what you are not comfortable talking about so she can be your “wingman” at the various parties you will be attending over the next year or so. Second, if you are close with Mom and Dad (or whoever), tell them where you want to steer conversations away from at the rehersal, reception, showers etc…
Congratulations!
Try to keep your wedding expense below $100,000 all in! Don’t want you to get into multiple six figure debt again!
We got married in March. I’ve got some advice – you will get hundreds of questions and suggestions for your wedding ceremony. They are all great…and expensive. Just look everyone in the eye, and tell them that their suggestion sounds wonderful, but don’t commit to anything, b/c it will come back and bite you. Very chill families can get surprisingly finnicky over weddings! Also keep expectations low so whatever your wedding turns out to be will wow them. I’m setting you up for sticker shock.
I’m guessing that $100k is tongue in cheek?
I hear ya. I had a similar feeling and we had a big wedding because we’re both the oldest children in our families and our younger siblings were far less traditional than us. We felt like our parents deserved a real wedding in there somewhere.
I so wish I’d followed our own plans instead of presuming theirs. The whole family ended up kind of reluctantly involved in a big wedding, and we wished we’d just eloped or something much smaller.
We ended up spending too much time worrying about the wedding and not nearly enough about the marriage.
The only thing I’m sure we did right (even though I participated reluctantly at the time) was pre-marital counseling that was required by the church.
I really think that pre-marriage counseling is a terrific resource. It’s great for getting you on the same page–including on finances and also things like “the wedding” and how public you all want to be about everything.
Having the big perfect wedding left me feeling like our first year of marriage had to be public and perfect. The fact of the matter is that it’s not that easy to get a marriage going. I felt like we were under the microscope all the time, even though in retrospect, we really weren’t.
Sorry if this is big and rambling, but I can completely relate to your perspective. If she’s having the same experience and not all excited about a great big wedding–maybe you can bow out of that part of it, which would relieve a lot of pressure.
One big not so secret – as a groom who got married in 2005, let me tell you two things: one, a wedding is more about the bride than the groom.
Also the day itself goes by very quickly, so try to have fun. Do stuff that you like, while respecting the wishes of others as best you can but remember, the day is yours ultimately. And it’s only a day.
Last tip: Try to avoid expenses no one will notice you skipped later, like my wife and I did by not hiring a limo or fancy car. They usually take off around midnight anyway. Get the bestman or family to drive you instead, and pocket the $1000.
I had the same experience. I’m getting married next week, actually, and I’m so glad because I am tired of talking about wedding plans! You can only relate how you picked out your dress so many times.
We were trying to do a DIY wedding under $5k and I think we might have been able to pull it off. But choosing which budget option, which feature to cut, which friend not to invite became too stressful on us. Nothing was fun – we slogged from rec center to rec center looking for a viable option and were about ready to just give up and pay for the “nice” budget option (several thousand above our target). We almost never fight but every time we started talking about the wedding, there was tension. Then we started seriously considering Vegas.
Obviously I haven’t gone through it yet, but I have to say I think Vegas is going to turn out to be the right option. They have some seriously nice packages because the industry is so huge there. I am doing a wedding in a nature preserve with 13 of my friends and family. The package includes the officiant, limo (for the first 8), photographer, bouquet and whatever else we need to get married for under $1200. Tack on a $900 steak dinner at the hotel for my nearest and dearest and I think I’m getting a serious bargain. We could be doing the whole thing cheaper than we are (staying somewhere less expensive, skipping the shows/dinners/gambling) but it’s our wedding and we’re going to live it up.
Our best friends just did the “big wedding” thing and they have told us dozens of times *already* that they are jealous we are going to Vegas. We thought we’d be offending our families, especially his, but everyone seems to understand. I’m pretty sure we made the right decision.
Unfortunately, Geoff is somewhat correct: Weddings end up being a lot about the bride. I kept my guy involved as much as I could, but with his ADD and the fact that only he was working, I took over most of the details. Still, I tried to get him involved as possible, because I wanted it to be a party for both of us. (And try to keep thinking of it as a party — it makes it easier to cut expenses when you keep that perspective.) So the royal blue color was his choice; we got a limo because he hadn’t been in one before. But I still did a lot of the detail work.
As for keeping out of the limelight, there’s not much you can do when people find out you’re engaged. If you don’t want to talk about it too much, you could try going with, “Well, we’re hoping to keep it low-key.” That will still probably invite comments like, “Oh but you can’t go without…”
The good news is that you can do the guy thing and say that your bride is dealing with most of the real details. Another way to go is to just hint that you’re having a bunch of friends and family supply services. That way, people don’t feel comfortable suggesting you go with a fancier option.
I will say, though, that if you guys are comfortable with a low-key setting, we just put out a bunch of fruit, veggies, dips, cheese, crackers and meat slices — plus some rolls and condiments so people could make sandwiches. Everyone was thrilled. Plus, we paid for it all with MyPoints gift cards (Walmart cards used at Sam’s Club).
And there are some really nice Seattle Parks & Rec spots (esp Alki Bathhouse, which was our back-up plan when it looked like his parents were going to move) that are very affordable as far as venues go. Alki was something like $300 or $400 for 3-4 hours.