love, debt, and my biggest critic

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. Maybe because I just had my first date in two years. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Love is scary. It’s exciting and absolutely terrifyingly fantastic.

And I’m definitely not in love.

And that’s the problem. Well, sort of. I’m not usually one to go on a first date and fall completely head over heels for a girl, but I won’t say it’s never happened. Anyway, the problem is that I don’t know if I can love.

Anxiety is back. Why?

I haven’t had any sort of anxiety issues for about 6 years now. Yet this weekend, after my date…it was so bad I considered not even meeting the girl again just because I could barely breath. The date was a blast, but I kept having to force myself to feel. To go beyond just “uh-huh”…to actually caring.

So, I’m worried I can’t love. I’m probably just over-reacting, or maybe I just didn’t go out with the right girl, I don’t know. But I was really freaked out about it this weekend. My good friend came over Sunday evening and calmed me down…and I’m doing better today.

Underlying Reasons

When I was chatting with my friend, I think I discovered some reason to my anxiety. I have a few things in my life right now I cannot control. And that drives me nuts. A few I didn’t even realize until she pointed them out.

1. Bankruptcy Pending

The BK is going now and while I really hadn’t given it much thought lately, I think somewhere inside me it’s causing some stress. I just want to get it over with and move on, but until it gets discharged completely…some anxiety.

2. Potentially Large Contract Pending

My Project A is nearing a partnerships that I’ve been working on since summertime. Right now my Project A added about 1K in profit to my business last month. If I get this partnership finalized, that number will just to at least a minimum of $7500. Maybe much higher. In other words: It would change everything.

But, it will be at least another 2 or so weeks before this is buttoned down. Result? Some more anxiety

3. A Girl….unrequited?

So this girl and I had a great date. Will there be a 2nd? I’m not sure. I asked her, but I don’t know if it’s going to happen. I know she had a good time with me…but I don’t know how good. Granted, I’m still not completely sure I would like her romantically, but I definitely would like to go on another date to find out. Not sure if I’ll get the chance though. So….some uncertainty.

My realization. You’re Darn Right.

The good news on this front is that I’ve come to a realization. And I can say this finally without feeling guilty: I’m a catch.

I’ve been told this all my life but have never really believed or felt comfortable believing it until recently. Yeah, I’ve made some huge mistakes. But you know what, I’ve got a lot going for me as well. Anyway, that realization has made me a little more confidante as of late. I think it’s a good thing.

My toughest critic is…

The truth is that no one will ever be as hard a critic on me as me. I promise. But I’m feeling better about myself lately. I’ve really transformed and grown up a lot this year, and while I still have a long way to go…I’m a little proud of me. And if I’m a little proud of me…I must be doing some things right.