All of my life, I’ve been a leader.
A leader at school, a leader at church, a leader in various sports teams.
After school, the “leader” of my business.
I had a realization yesterday….I can’t be a leader right now and I need to accept that and accept the fact that I can be helped by others. Not an easy thing for me to do. For example, I’ve been complaining to my close friend for months now that I wished I had more guy friends, and was in a small group at church. And I’ve been told time and time again, “why not just start one?”
Me? Lead, now? No, no, no. In a year, perhaps. But now….no way. What I need right now is support. I need to be OK with the fact that now is not a good time for me to lead. Now is a time for me to recover, keep my head down, and “just keep swimming” (finding nemo). But it goes against every year of my life. And asking for help? Wow….talk about not an easy thing for me to do.
I want to be more OK with where I am right now. Yes, the situation is not good. But it’s been not good for years now, and at some point I need to accept the fact that I’m not where I want to be, and that is an OK thing. I’m getting there. It’s getting easier and easier for me to see that what I once was (a hidden, secretive gambling addict), I am not now.
I’m still struggling 80% of the day with a heavy (but not crippling) burden of anxiety. And often with no real, good reason. I have a place to sleep now. I can pay my critical bills at the moment. And yet, I still keep thinking, “Well, this anxiety will go away once I’m making X dollars a day” (usually I say $1,000). Maybe that’s true, maybe it is just a money issue. And if that’s the case, I need to figure out a better way to deal with it.
And that starts with accepting help or support, and not beating myself up because I can’t be the leader I want to be at the moment.
I know this was kind of a rambling of thoughts, but I needed to get them jotted down. Everyone knows me as a “stable” guy. I rarely lose my temper, and back in the day, many people came to me for advice, or just a listening ear. I really liked that…the ability to help people. I think I have gifts there….but I just can’t do it at the moment. I need to get myself right first.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s actually very healthy to be able to say, “No, I can’t do this or that right now.I need to work on my own foundation in order to build something stronger for myself in the future. But, I will be back.” There’s nothing wrong with that at all.
Not to acknowledge the fact that you do have issues that need to be sorted out in your mind WOULD be wrong, IMHO. Because then, you cannot see your path and you end up wandering around “lost” for months and months, years even.
Whether it’s solely a monetary issue that causes you anxiety or not, only you can say. One generally has to delve into the past to find the root cause of any significant problem that impacts the enjoyment of life in the present. Only then can a person truly come to terms with themselves to make the choice to not let those past events influence the future any more than they already have.
My 2 cents plus tax
@ Blogga – Exactly. I think just acknowledging my present situation and being OK with not being my normal self is healthy.
I do feel the anxiety is mostly financially related…I’ve never had issues or felt like this before, even when under large amounts of different stressors.
I’ll wager(!) that you will feel better once you get the IRS satisfied, your debt payment plan in regard to your bankruptcy worked out, your business stable and your mother repaid. In the past, you tended to equate success in terms of how much money your company does each week/month. Is this a gross or net number? Do you have any suppliers except for credit cards? Are they current? A lot of things can feed into anxiety. Unpaid suppliers are not noted for their warm fuzzy feelings, beginning with your Uncle Sam’s tax debt. No business is successful until the paperwork is done (think IRS.) It just doesn’t happen.
Moving on, I thought you were seeing a therapist. Lay your feelings out for him/her. Otherwise, why bother?
03/16/08
As someone who went through an anxiety-ridden crisis and continues to suffer from anxiety even though things are fine/managable, I totally feel where you’re coming from.
Anxiety is such a tricky thing. The worst of it is, the more you are anxious, the more your brain and body change and the more likely you are to become anxious for seemingly no reason. I hate that feeling of KNOWING that things are fine, that everything is ok and feeling anxious for no reason. So frustrating. And it really pisses me off. =)
If you have any time for yourself, I would suggest doing things to get a handle on your anxiety now. Go out with friends, journal, exercise, see a therapist, do what you can to get away from your situation for awhile. If the majority of your anxiety happens in your office where you’re constantly reminded about your financial situation, get out.
The idea of joining a group is a great one. Have you tried meetup.com or craigslist? I bet you’ll have tons of options living in a larger city. Good luck!