I have a self-esteem problem.
That’s difficult for me to admit, but I know that it is true. All the mistakes that I made the last three years have taken a toll on how I value myself. The worst part is that 99% of people when they meet me, or talk to me, have no clue about my crap, and so they don’t see it.
And they think I’ve got it all going on. I run my own business, I’m athletic, I get along well with people, I love my family, yada, yada, yada.
To me those things all get overshadowed by debt. I’ve convinced myself that I have nothing good about myself, and won’t until I have at least a break-even financial net worth.
Even as I write this, I know what I’m saying is absurd. I’m saying that I equate how I feel about myself with money. Which is just silly. But its definitely how I am feeling.
Example
Example. I had met this girl a few months ago, and she really took me aback. Smart, caring, beautiful. Wow. I met her again this 4th of July, and the only thing I could think about the entire time was how I had absolutely no chance with this girl because of my debt and my mistakes.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this.
Basically, I need to either
A.) Get rid of all my debt ASAP, and so this won’t be an issue or
B.) Figure out some way to deal with this better. I can handle it fine by myself, but when I’m interacting with other “normal” (ie, not hundreds of thousands in debt) people, I feel awful and envious.
Wow. What a depressing entry.
Good thing I have this picture to make me smile!
http://flickr.com/photos/sepultura/666133293/
Honestly, I think I’ll pull that out whenever I’m feeling down. It’s just great.
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Maybe you should pause and think about why you are holding it back from people you meet. I understand (I think) why you do.
How much easier would it be if it was out in the open?
I tell people my company has gone bust. I tell them that I could go bust personally.
All I have received is encouragement. I’ve done this in the real and virtual world.
Myabe not for you. But it did really help me.
Just remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Honestly. The people that you envy are going through the wringers themselves, stressed out most of the time.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself, but extremely un-productive. Whenever I get into a depressive state I force myself to stop and consider what has gone right in my life.
1) I’m young and healthy
2) I have a supportive family
3) I have a bright future
Possibly the most important thing to focus on right now is that you can see the end of your problems. Zero debt might be many years off, but it is going to happen. How many people out there have problems that they can see the end of?
You’re a lucky guy, and if the women you meet need money to impress them, they’re the wrong women.
Cheers
I know the feeling you’re going through (at least to some extent) my money situation drives me nuts it puts me into tailspins of self-doubt and frustration at myself. I’m still trying to dig myself out of the hole I dug but I don’t let myself dwell on it whenever possible. I’m doing things to get out of debt and short of taking on more work I am doing what I can while still living my life.
dude, i think you are seriously desperate for sex… i mean i m not criticising or anything but all your posts have a ‘need to get some action’ subtext/motive for it..
like you said, you dont stand a chance unless you can clear your debts to a more realistic level. so just focus on that on spank the monkey in the meantime. stop pining for some p***y till you’re older. or….what about those female friends you always mention?
When I was in serious debt, that’s when the sex was the hottest. I guess I was more attractive then. I had nothing but adversity, and I guess I embraced it. Nowadays I’m so stable, and it’s less attractive. Dude, I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT. Maybe God’s a sympathetic chick.
I think you are on to something, Debt Kid. I think that debt does effect self esteem and it definitely effects other aspects of your life. Some people stop taking risks because they are barely “making it” and they don’t want to fall further in the hole by moving upward to another job, etc.
As time goes on, and you find yourself making little victories as the one you had the other day, you’ll get that self esteem back. It’s just that you are wired to tie yourself to your financial situation.
Do you realize what an important lesson you have been handed, so early in your life? Many people find our the same thing about debt, when they are middle aged, and it is too late to start over for them. In fact, starting over is an important achievement.
One quick point, from a woman’s perspective: I never checked anyone’s financials before dating them. Thank God, too, because I never would have married my husband if that had been my motivation.
In fact, men who talk about their financial success are obnoxious. Don’t get so down. You’re doing the right thing, moving in the right direction.
I know it sounds trite but honesty is much more enchanting than money.
Good luck.
Well, you’ve certainly gotten some interesting feedback. I was in the dumps about the steep journey of debt reduction. Try to remember, you are not your debt. Your debt will change and melt away — not in a magical, The Secret, kind of way, just because that’s the way it goes.
If a woman you’re interested gives a hoot about your debt she’s obviously not worth the trouble. If it’s a sex thing, then why would it even come up??
Debt Kid, I think it’s the other way around–the self esteem issues lead to the lying, and poor choice in relationships (your crappy ex-roommates for example), and the trading and the debt. That’s my take on it anyway. Ian Denny’s got a good point. When you’re honest with and about yourself, even though it’s hard, it makes things easier to sort out in the long run. You’ve made some big strides in being a more authentic person, and you should continue to work on that.
My old doctor (who was at my birth) told me when I was about your age… “don’t worry about the women – worry about your work, career and finances and the women will come along”. Turns out he was right – I’m 42 and have just re-married the woman I should have married had I been paying attention.
Hi debtkid,
I’ve been following your story and I first wanted to say congratulations for being so open and honest on this blog about your struggles, and for the clear thinking that you have exhibited so far in your efforts to move forward.
To add another voice of female experience, I, too, have not focused on the financial situation of the men I’ve dated.
If she really is that smart and caring, hopefully she would be smart enough to see that your debt does not define you as a person, and caring enough to support you in your continued goal if you guys did end up dating.
Having said that, I think this issue is deeper than this one girl. You are basically talking about feeling like you are abnormal while everyone around you is normal and going about their lives. The truth is, almost everyone, at some time in their life, feels like they are the ‘freak’ while everyone around them is thriving, whether it’s because of money, relationship status, educational status, etc. etc. Just remember that this too shall pass and others are experiencing the same thing.
Do you think you would feel better if you at least mentioned, in a vague way, some of your problems, even if you didn’t spell out the whole issue, to some of the
people around you whom you haven’t told the full story to? Just something to think about.
Keep your chin up. You will have some cash to spend on dating soon enough. Keep making progress. You don’t have to worry about telling your financial situation to everyone you date.
When you do actually meet her, a woman should love/respect you for who you are, not what you make. Besides, and smart woman will realize that once you’ve paid off all your debt, you will not stop there cuz you have skillz and you will go from being Debt Kid to Rich Man, it’s only a matter of time.
Best Wishes
stop worrying about women! for crying out loud – we’re not as shallow as you seem to think, I personally don’t care if a guy has money in the bank. I DO care that he has his sh*t together though and has room in his life for me.
You do not have room in your life for anyone now. Put it out of your head. It’s not the right time.
I think what you are feeling is natural because I believe that humans have evolved a hording instinct. We horde resources to save for the winter and if we have few resources, the body producing depression urges you to do so for our own survival.
I think what is necessary for you is to try to make a distinction between your instincts and your reality. We don’t live in caveman days anymore, yet how you perceive yourself and how others may perceive you may be based on perception colored by instinct.