imho
MB
Jake Stichler
Hobo
JeepersDebt and loneliness…not a healthy combination
The past few weeks, I’ve experienced true, actual loneliness.
I know I’ve written about this before, but it was always at a pretty manageable level, until this week. My one close friend has been dealing with her own issues of late, and I was starting to think that our relationship wasn’t that important to her anymore. My employees worked this week, but one even made a comment about how I could “always buy friends”….it kind of stung. He immediately apologized, and he really didn’t mean anything by it, but it still hurt.
So after a few days of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to take some action. I organized a pizza party game night this weekend with my close friend and two others that I’ve been getting to know lately. It’s probably the first just random thing I’ve organized in ages. I’ve always been blessed with friends who did the organizing…not so anymore.
The today, I setup a coffee date to just talk about things with my close friend. A few hours later, and now I’m feeling much better about the whole situation. It’s still not great, but it’s at least bearable now and I hope a few of the concerns I brought up will show up in some different actions going forward.
Being in debt can be a really lonely place. Especially if you have no one to talk with.
Being a small business owner can be a really lonely place to be, especially when none of your peers can relate to how different it is working for yourself. I’ve also discovered that while I enjoy working from home, it’s a negative factor in both of the above issues.
The good news is that I think I’ve hit the low here and I can see things getting better, especially with summer around the corner. I also think I’m getting closer to a point where I may let on a little more of my situation to a few of the new people I’ve met lately. I still wish I could tell my story in hindsight, but I don’t know when that day is going to come, so I can’t keep living my life hoping it will be sooner vs. later.
On that note….I also talked to the girl that I’m kind of interested in again! It went pretty well…she at least knows I exist. And it’s getting easier to approach her each time…we’ll see : )
So my tips (and guide for myself) on dealing with debt and loneliness:
- Commit to being proactive - Call up people. Organize things. The worst they can say is their busy, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you
- Work out - I don’t think I’d be sane today if I wasn’t able to work out. It keep me sane, and I know it helps me feel better about everything
- Joke about it - While my situation isn’t anything to laugh about…you know what. Sometimes it is. I’ve been able to laugh at myself a few times with my brother recently, and I think once you can genuinely laugh about a mistake you’ve made, it has less power over you.
- change the scenery - for me this means working once or twice a week at a coffee shop. It may cost a few bucks, but the increase in productivity and just social stimulus is more than worth it
Anyone else with tips on dealing with loneliness? I know it’s not the most talked about topic…but I think it often goes hand in hand with debt issues. And it’s something very new for me…
I'm 300K in debt. Gulp. I'm 24 and day traded away a fortune. Now I'm trying to crawl back to zero. Why not subscribe to my RSS feed and join me on this journey. You can also subscribe via e-mail. I appreciate tips and feedback! ~ DebtKid
on April 21st, 2008 at 9:28 am
instead of a coffee shop, you could try one of those day offices I keep hearing about on the radio…
You can pay a fee to use it day-to-day, and I bet it’s full of other people just like you… it may give you a chance to network… The one I keep hearing about is mydayoffice.com
I’d also check with the guys over at Exit133.com. they run an office like that with mainly bloggers called suite133 … Yeah, it’s in Downtown Tacoma, but it’s another idea.
on April 21st, 2008 at 11:21 am
Working at home or for yourself comes with a huge set of problems. One being that everyone thinks it’s such a piece of cake and that it’s all jammies and sleeping in. I think in your case it might be even harder because you have employees. You can’t really make normal workplace friends with them because you need to be seen as the boss. Tough spot. Are there any business organizations in your area where you might meet people in your situation? I’m thinking a small business owners group or something like that?
I was in the situation your friend was in this week. I was so insanely busy with commitments I’d made way in the past and a million other things that I literally had no time to return any of her phone calls. By the time I sat down last night I actually listened to all of her messages I could hear her voice getting sadder and more desperate to talk to me with each message. I felt like CRAP. Hopefully she’ll forgive me when I call and explain to her later that I’ve just been swapped, but either position stinks to be in. It’s hard to remember that people might have their own thing going on and that it has nothing to do with you. Acquiring a strong social network of people of talk to is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but it’s SO important. It’s tempting to rely on one person for all your heart to hearts but it’s so much healthier and more productive to have a couple of people you can talk to about your family problems, one for your relationship issues, another for business, etc. I’m still working on that one. =)
I think it’s really cool that you organized the game night. What games are you going to be playing? I’m usually the organizer for our group of friends and people are always really relieved to not having to do it themselves. It seems people always want to do stuff, they just don’t want to put themselves out there and risk having no one show up. So plan away, people will thank you for it!
on April 21st, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I’m glad you wrote about this because I work from home and have been going through EXACTLY the same set of feelings.
So many people crab about “work” — but when it comes to your turn, no one has any sympathy. (You work from home, what do YOU have to complain about.) Working from home, working for yourself, is HARD. It’s harder than I ever thought it would be. I feel like I am always working, or should be working, and if I’m not, I feel like I’m wasting time. I feel isolated. When it comes to 5pm, I want to go out, have a cocktail, or invite a friend over, but everyone is too tired and stressed from a day at work. I find myself watching a lot of CSI.
Working out has really helped me, too. But what’s been even better for me is making one or two plans in the beginning of the week with people I know will stick with them. Like you, I’m struggling with money, so these have to be frugal plans, but it’s nice to know at the beginning of the week that I have Wednesday night plans.
I also have two or three other friends who freelance, work from home or are otherwise self-employed. It helps to talk to them, just like it helped to read your article, because we all go through the same periods of elation with our freedom and total despair with our isolation (not to mention “what am I doing with my life” anxiety).
Coffee shops also help — it’s definitely, definitely worth the $3.00 to sit in a cafe for a few hours.
Thanks for writing about this.
on April 21st, 2008 at 6:13 pm
But, but, what about us internet citizens? Do we not count?
on April 21st, 2008 at 7:27 pm
@ Shel - I’ve been thinking of trying out some sort of small business/freelance geeky group. We’ll see if I can find one that works.
@ katherine - Glad I’m not alone (hey, pun! alert) in thinking that $3 is completely worth it just to *sit around * people!
@ no debt plan - Of course you internet citizens count! : )
on April 21st, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I feel the loneliness. My husbands in the military so we constantly pick up and move. And i have to make new friends and find new jobs. Its extra lonely now because he got deployed 4 months after relocating. So i moved back to my hometown to be close to loved ones and friends but everybody is SUPER busy with work and school. Right now I’m job hunting, bored out of my mind with no one to talk to.
on April 21st, 2008 at 8:56 pm
I definitely can relate to this. I too work from home. I do have employees but not everyday, usually just around the Christmas holidays. It gets very lonely at times and there are times when I think about going back to work on again. But then I remember that I am making more money at home than I was when I worked for someone else.
I also find that when you work from home, you never really leave work. I work 7 days a week. My day does not end at 5 o’clock like everyone else.
on April 22nd, 2008 at 8:13 am
I quit working for myself because I didn’t like the boss! Sometimes I do telecommute to my office computer from home and it makes home feel like a prison. There is something about coming into the office and defining this as work and home as home. When you’re self employed those lines are voided usually because you’re constantly working and yet have to deal with home issues. My wife and I live in a community with younger parents and we don’t have kids yet, so it’s hard for us to make friends out there because we don’t have the parent component yet. She does call her friends a lot so I got the unlimited thing for the cell phone. I like not having to do stuff all the time because weekends are time for me to relax. Sometimes it’s nice when I get a chance to hang out with my guy friends. Most guys I know do not find shopping as fun. You got to hang in there DK and stay positive.
on April 22nd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Working from home or working for yourself is definitely not all it’s cracked up to be, but for many, it’s a more rewarding experience. I love your comment about joking about your debt situation — adding emotional weight to something can often make things seems less manageable.
on April 24th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
omg i always wanted to work from home but now that you mention it, it doesn’t sound all that appealing anymore. home def can be a lonely place.
on April 25th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Hi,
I got found your site from Blogging Away Debt. I know what it’s like to be lonely - it’s no fun! If you ever just need someone to talk to, you can email me. I’m here M-F. My husband and I have our own business too and it is hard but worth it in the long run. Hang in there!
on April 25th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Living alone has been a trial…I totally understand about the lonliness.
on April 25th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
@ Michelle - Thanks! Yeah, being an entrepreneur can be very lonely, but yet I’ve worked real W-2 jobs, and I really love being self-employed. It’s my creative outlet. I can’t paint, but gosh darn it I can come up with creative business ideas!
@ SavingDiva - Yeah, this last year is really the first time I’ve lived alone. I had my own place in college, but was surrounded by people my age. Never felt lonely. Now, it’s much different. I’m getting better at reaching out to people to hang out, but it’s taken a long time.
on April 26th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Hi all. i found your site from through Tricia form Blogging away debt. This thread gave me so much comfort, thank you. I have about 60,000.00 of credit card debt, and I am lonely. All day long, I’m pretty upbeat and feel good inside. The reason is, I am around people. Once work is over I care for my parents, as wonderful as they are, I am too tired to do anything after 6pm week nights. I know for a fact others have it SO extremely worse, but I am in this hole, go to the gym, eat better, and climb out.. great blog! I’m bookmarking it.
on April 26th, 2008 at 10:00 am
sorry..what I meant to say was, I need to go to the gym, eat better, etc to climb out of my hole..
on May 2nd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Almost everyone in my family has their own business, some with employees, some without; but every one of those business people have affiliations with trade and proffesional organizations. I my case I go to monthly talks about geology, My dad is a member of the Rotary, my sister is member of the Textile association or some such, My brother meets with the carpenters union group. They also make time and budget for a coffee break every single work day. Where they go down to the local coffee counter( it really needs to be a counter) and sit and talk with the locals for 20 or 30 minutes. 5 bucks, not lonely, learned something from some old codger and created community.