My girlfriend and I have been dating about 5 months now, which has given me lots of opportunities to discover how to date when you’re in debt.
The Main Issue: Expectations
The person I’ve been dating knows my entire story. She knows how much I owe, how I’m trying to pay it, and has seen me progress the last few years.
This has made our “date nights” incredibly easy. I have nothing to hide, and she doesn’t expect a fancy date.
It’s all about expectations. If you “date” like you’re not in debt…it’s going to get you into trouble. Either financially, or down the line in the relationship. One way or the other, it’s gonna get you in hot water.
Does this mean I’m an open book about my debt?
No, of course not.
Especially if you are meeting someone for the first time. Any sort of financial discussion is something you’d have further down the relationship line. Even my girlfriend who knows my whole situation doesn’t know exact income numbers (though she does know the debt numbers), that’s more appropriate for a marriage situation.
But are you taking your date to a $50/plate dinner for your first or second date? If you’re doing that and in some financial trouble…you are setting the expectations incorrectly.
And the reality is that if your date is “impressed” by fancy spending…is that what you really want? Especially when you can’t keep that up? That’s a recipe for disaster.
I’m in debt and want to date. Now what?
If you are in a manageable amount of debt, I don’t think you need to postpone a dating relationship.
What you do need to do is make sure you show your date that you are financially responsible. If you take her out and blow $200 on a first date, that’s going to look really bad when eventually you have to explain how much debt you are in.
However if you date within your budget, when it comes time to share more openly about your debt, you will look prudent and I’m sure your date will appreciate your foresight instead of trying to impress them with your play credit card money.
You don’t need a dime to have a great date
You don’t need to spend a dime to have a great date. Creativity and just being interested in your date is way sexier than a $100 dinner.
Here’s a list of 7 creative and cheap date ideas I wrote for Lending Club a while back.
Should you date when you’re in debt?
What do you think? Should you date when in debt? How do you handle dating when you’re in debt? Any great date ideas for someone in debt?
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m on the other side – my boyfriend has a lot of debt, while I don’t have any. I try to pay for things as much as he’ll let me, and when he insists on taking me out, I make sure to choose something cheap (we eat a lot of Taco Bell). It makes it kinda tough to do things. I feel bad if he spends money on me, but at the same time, I don’t want to emasculate him by paying for everything (which I don’t mind doing). For what it’s worth, I have inexpensive tastes. A dinner he cooks himself is much more meaningful than something from a fancy restaurant, and we only go to the $1.25 movies at the second-run theater.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dating while you have debt. You did point out the important stuff though like making sure you don’t blow a bunch of money. Dating doesn’t have to cost a lot, depending on the person though. If they like materialistic things then you’re setting yourself up for an expensive ride. I personally love doing free stuff even though I could do more expensive things. Glad everything is working out for you.
There are many things you can do and have a great time, a good date is more about the company and interaction anyways. For a cheaper first date or two, go for happy hour instead of dinner. It’s more social, casual, and cheaper. Grabs some drinks split an appetizer or two and it will come out less than dinner and is more fun. Once things get more developed I don’t think any girl would complain if their guy made them dinner and then they watched a dvd together and had some wine. Cheap, fun and intimate.
My husband and I have debt, and we still go on dates. We are just careful.
As for cheap/free dates:
1. I see someone already mentioned the happy hour idea.
2. An oldie but goodie is to cook for her and rent a movie.
3. Save up Coke Rewards (ask friends and family, too — even check at work in the recycle bin) and get the free movie passes.
4. Entertainment book always has good coupons. (Assuming that you’re comfortable using those on a date.)
5. Check your local papers and try to get passes to movie screenings.
6. Take a hike; bring some nice snacks to have a picnic partway through.
7. If it isn’t too painful for you, do some window shopping. Stroll through funky stores, and see what the other person notices. It can say a lot about one’s personality.
8. Most museums have a free day once a month.
9. Use reward programs to get gift cards for restaurants. This will either let you get free food or will deeply discount the price.
10. Take up mystery shopping (www.volition.com has free resources for this kind of thing) and take her out to meals that way. You have to note a few details, but I’ve done restaurant shops, bar shops and even gaming center/restaurant shops. You have to put up the money up front, but you get reimbursed and even get a few bucks. (Also great are hotel shops! You get a free room, room service and a meal or drinks in the hotel restaurant.)
11. Find some of the more affordable clubs and go out dancing. Don’t have drinks and it can be a pretty frugal night out.
Finally, I think sometimes you just have to weed out those people who have different priorities. I’ve never been one to expect a lot of money be spent on me. If the person you date always wants to do expensive things, or is always frustrated that you mainly stay at home and watch movies, well that’s probably not a good person to date. Of course, it sucks at the time. But even once you get out of debt, that is the kind of person who will tempt you back into your spending ways.
I think for a person in debt , the key is to have a balance between paying off debt and making any expenses. As for dating is concenrned, it can not be completely avoided as one can not stop living and dating is very much part of it. So I would love to take my girlfriend to the nearest garden or seashore for nice romatic walk and would love to do some love talk without spending too much on expensive gifts and dinners.
what about when you’re the girl who’s got the debit? I’m a freelancer who had a bankruptcy many years ago, have no outstanding debit now (paid off my student loans! yay!) but don’t make a whole lot of money. I’m *very* frugal–no fancy car, no fancy apt, but it’s not fun. I feel like I end up coming off as the free spirit freelancer who actually *likes* flying by the seat of her pants. When it’s really a chore. It’s hard to attract someone who’s at the success level I want to be at when I’m feeling kind of crappy about not being super successful yet
I’ve been in debt my entire adult life, since two years before I graduated from college. That’s almost 20 years. A few years ago I noticed that even homeless people manage love relationships in spite of their personal situations. One thing that helped me get through the hassles of low self esteem related to my debt, and has helped me reduce my debt 50% over the course of 3 years. is Debtor’s Anonymous. (I even met someone to date there).