I’ve had a number of situations lately where I’ve been meeting a lot of new people. This is both a good and bad thing for me. It’s good because it’s pushing me outside my comfort zone and it’s bad because it’s outside my comfort zone.
I’ve identified a few times when my confidence seems to absolutely shrink up, even though I know it really shouldn’t.
1. Talking about work – I often feel when people talk about work, they really just want to know what you do so they can figure out where you “rank” socially, and how much money you make. Both those are contentious issues for me.
I run a small business, I have a few part time employees. I made like 14K last month. None of those things are normal for a 25 year old. I realize that.
Now, combine that with the fact that I had a 300K debt hole. Do you see why work is exactly the last thing I want to talk about with people? Especially girls. My work implies that maybe I’m quite “successful” which, is sorta true I guess. Bottom line, with new people especially I don’t want to talk about anything job related because it gives people the wrong idea that I’m quite financially stable, when in reality, I am not. Whew, that got long.
2. talking to pretty girls – This definitely happened this weekend. I really think I go out of my way to sound as least impressive as possible when talking to a girl I find attractive that is new. This one I’m not quite as sure why I do.
My theory is that if I actually don’t downplay my strengths the girl might be interested in me. And since I could be interested in her, this creates the awkward tension of her believing I’m something I’m not. At some point maybe I will get over this, but at least this last weekend, it wasn’t happening yet. I also think part of it is that I just need more opportunities in situations like this : )
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I agree, I don’t enjoy talking about work in social situations because mainly you deal with it so much, the last thing you want to do is get in a boring discussion about work. Speaking to cute girls is always going to be something guys deal with. I’m like you and think I have been getting better at breaking the ice and engaging in conversation. My best advice and what works for me is to be entertaining. Girls like entertaining. Keep asking fun, open ended questions that will get them talking and to keep the conversation going. Even if nothing leads to anywhere, they will give you the time of day because if nothing else, you asked them a question and they will answer it. Break it off from there.
Craig
http://www.budgetpulse.com
Hey, there is a bright side to this whole economic dire straits we’re in! Now, you don’t have to be ashamed to talk about your money troubles! Everyone’s got them!
@ Spiritwealth – Ha! That is a very good point.
Foreclosure? Done that. Bankruptcy. Check. Maxed credit cards? Yep, had that as well…
How about starting the conversation with “How do you spend your free time?” I’ve reverted to asking this rather than the coloquial work-related questions. I find that it stimulates good conversation with both women and men, and helps you learn a lot more about the other person than their employment status ever does. Remember, women are more impressed with a guy who takes an interest in them and their lives as opposed to the dude who can’t stop talking about himself. Figure out what her passions are and what intrigues her. Not only will you get a better idea about who she really is, it’s really difficult for her to turn down your suggestion to go for a hike after she’s spent the last 30 minutes telling you about how much she loves hiking!
The older you get the easier this will be as long as you put yourself out there to practice these social skills. Because for some of us it does take practice! I was into my 30s before I started dating (sad but true but I was painfully shy) and you know what helped me? Those 3-minute dating events. You get to practice talking with lots of people for short amounts of time. Anybody can fill up 3 minutes – give it a try! Also, kudos to you for getting out there to begin with. It isn't easy!