Whew. Finally a minute to breath.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale the good. Exhale the stress….

Trip is going well. 1 sale already and I have a decent chance at closing 2 more tomorrow. I’m in San Francisco now after working Sacramento yesterday.

I got pretty much the cheapest non-hostel hotel in San Francisco and it still seems outrageous. I had a budget of $600 for this whole trip (lodging/food/gas/donuts). I’m gonna go $100 over it looks like.

I haven’t heard anything official about winning the $1K bloghunt contest (UPDATE: I did win!), so we’ll wait and see. I think getting my Chapter 7 wrapped up and using the 1K for that is the best move. Getting the bankruptcy filed is my next big step on the debt side of things.

I got stuck on the big bridge getting into the city. Didn’t know it cost $4! (I had no cash on me) Some nice soul behind me got fed up with waiting for me digging around my car for $4 (I came up with about $2 in change) and paid the rest of my toll. So, thank you nice lady! I felt so stupid though. It’s my first time here!

San Fran is big

The city is huge! It has a similar feel to Seattle, though not as clean. I wish I had time to walk around a bit and take some pictures, but I just don’t. I need to move my car by 7am and then work San Jose and Oakland tomorrow. I’ll finish with San Fran on Friday and then start driving back home.

Fun, fun, fun. Sometimes.

Actually, this is hard. I drove 10 hours strait from Portland to Sac-town. I bought a frozen dinner for tonight and I have no microwave. I do have a really nice bed though, so I’m excited about that. I knew I had little chance on the apartment, but its still no good. Even if I could afford another place, I had no chance of passing anytime of screening. That limits my options to sublets that won’t do a credit check, or coming up with 6 months cash or something and asking for no tenant check. If this sales trip gets me 5 or more sales though….I’ll probably be traveling every other week anyway. So, guess I’ll just keep staying at the office and get hotel rooms every other week. That’s not too bad!

While I think this project has some legs, I’m still worried about a lot of things. The bankruptcy, the business debt that still needs to be worked on, my mom….etc. I know I’m going to be OK one way or the other, but I worry a bit what I will look like it 2 years… (not physically look like). OK, I’m ranting now, I just need to finish my carrots and go to bed.

On my weight note:

Speaking of my weight, I’m down to 169 (I was 176 before I got sick). I feel good though, but I don’t want to lose anymore weight.

I'm 300K in debt. Gulp. I'm 24 and day traded away a fortune. Now I'm trying to crawl back to zero. Why not subscribe to my RSS feed and join me on this journey. You can also subscribe via e-mail. I appreciate tips and feedback! ~ DebtKid

I have a self-esteem problem.

That’s difficult for me to admit, but I know that it is true. All the mistakes that I made the last three years have taken a toll on how I value myself. The worst part is that 99% of people when they meet me, or talk to me, have no clue about my crap, and so they don’t see it.

And they think I’ve got it all going on. I run my own business, I’m athletic, I get along well with people, I love my family, yada, yada, yada.

To me those things all get overshadowed by debt. I’ve convinced myself that I have nothing good about myself, and won’t until I have at least a break-even financial net worth.

Even as I write this, I know what I’m saying is absurd. I’m saying that I equate how I feel about myself with money. Which is just silly. But its definitely how I am feeling.

Example

Example. I had met this girl a few months ago, and she really took me aback. Smart, caring, beautiful. Wow. I met her again this 4th of July, and the only thing I could think about the entire time was how I had absolutely no chance with this girl because of my debt and my mistakes.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this.

Basically, I need to either

A.) Get rid of all my debt ASAP, and so this won’t be an issue or

B.) Figure out some way to deal with this better. I can handle it fine by myself, but when I’m interacting with other “normal” (ie, not hundreds of thousands in debt) people, I feel awful and envious.

Wow. What a depressing entry.

Good thing I have this picture to make me smile!

http://flickr.com/photos/sepultura/666133293/

Honestly, I think I’ll pull that out whenever I’m feeling down. It’s just great.

I saw a upsetting thing as I was checking the analytics account for my business today. It wasn’t what I noticed for my business (stuff there is OK).

It was this journal.

Someone found this site by searching,

“is it time to kill myself? debt”

If you’re reading this now. Please call someone. Anyone. (go here…http://suicidehotlines.com)
Heck, leave your phone # in a comment on this post and I’ll call you. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, is ever, ever worth taking your own life over.
I know you may feel overwhelmed (believe me, I understand), and you’ve made some mistakes. But you are loved. You are loved and if you try to kill yourself you will only end up hurting everyone else around you. Killing yourself is a cowardly act that is like taking a gun and shooting everyone around who cares about you.

When I was 18, I made the worst mistake of my life by attempting to kill myself. I felt like I had no other option. I was wrong. Get some help, talk to your family, a friend, or call that hotline. Please.
Debt sucks, yes. But not having you around, whoever you are, would be much worse.

Wow. That was really embarrassing.

Really…..embarrassing. I wasn’t expecting that at all.

I went to sleep for a few hours around 5:30am this morning, hoping to sleep about 4 hours, and then start the week off in the office. Around 8 though I’m awakened by footsteps outside the back of my deck.

I look out, and someone is walking around. Great, I think, and head back to a few more minutes of sleep. Then I see my real estate agent calling on my phone. Crap.

I pickup. “Hey, is the lockbox still outside?”

Me, “No, I took it in a month ago when you told me too”

Agent, “Well, the buyer is there to do an inspection, are you at the house?”

“Yes, give me 2 minutes, I’ll let them in”

I go downstairs….there ARE FOUR CARS IN MY DRIVEWAY! I crap you not, four cars, at least 5 five people waiting outside my house. I through on some close, someone rings the doorbell…

“I’ll be right there!” (I yell…not in a mean way, just a frustrated way)

I gather up my stuff. I’m double blocked in, two people move their cars….this is so not cool.

4 cars. 5 people.

I leave as fast as I can. This was not fun. I guess this is what happens when you do stupid stuff…hope the inspection goes well. Wish I had had a heads up on that happening! (Agent! What’s going on here? A simple e-mail anytime yesterday would have been nice…)

Alright, enough writing. I’m pissed off and I have a priority list of 15 things to get done today….

#1 get un pissed off….

The last few months have been a big change for me. My whole thought processes on money and wealth have been completely transformed. In good ways I believe. I’ve also been actively trying to revive my life outside of work. When I think about the last two years (when I was trading allot), I can’t remember many social situations…some, but not many. And definitely no intimate ones (intimate not in a sexual sense, but in a relational sense). So, I’m trying to work on this part of my life now. Now that I don’t have the time!

Making the effort

The truth is that my journey is just beginning here to pay back all the debt I owe. And I can’t live my life for the next who knows how many years in a bubble of just work. I’ll go nuts. As much as I love my business, it cannot nor should it sustain me as a whole person.

So…I am making more efforts to reach out to others, even when I don’t feel like talking about my situation. I think I can find a good balance of being intimate without going into huge detail about my nasty situation. I miss my friends from a few years ago, and I’m starting to reconnect with some of them, and it feels really good.

Tracking my Debt

I’ve yet to find a really great way (beyond excel spreadsheets, which is what I use at the moment) to track my debt in a nice, neat visual manner. There are just no good wordpress plugins that I’ve found on this. I may look into writing one if I can justify spending a few hours on something that could be a good motivational/tracker tool for me. If anyone has a good plugin or tool for this, let me know. It would have to track debts individually and output some sort of bar chart or nice chart.

The House

Still no updates here….haven’t heard if the buyers have agreed to the higher price that the bank came back with to approve the short sale. Good news is that I still have a place to live for another month before the move to the office.

The House
This weekend some friends of mine offered to help me clean up around my house and getting ready for sale (although it already has an offer). How nice, right?

In the end, yes. But for a while I was like, “why am I doing yardwork in a home I am short-selling and that already has a good offer?” Plus, I spent $33 on bark, and flowers, and dirt. I was feeling really dumb. My bank account is overdrawn at the moment (I didn’t compute my business cashflow correctly and the last payroll run killed me). And $33 is not something I have to spare on a wasteful event! Let alone the time and energy to weed and clean and crap. Humph.

Then we actually started working. It was a beautiful day out, and spending time with my friends weeding was probably the most relaxing and fullfilling thing I’ve done in some time. I started off so bitter about my pride (why don’t I just tell my friends?), and ended up pretty OK with the situation. Yes, it was a “waste” of $33…but taking a little bit of good pride in my house made me feel not so crappy about this whole giant mess.

Still, keeping my whole debt fiasco under wraps is having more and more concequenses both emotionlly and financially:

• My friends eat out quite a bit (financial side)
• I’m having to lie about why I am selling my house (emotional side)

Responding To Some Comments

• I have not listened to Dave Ramsey’s show. But I have read alot on his site, and understand some of his principles. I know about the “debt snowball” method. I just don’t have ANY extra $ at the moment to pay off anything right now.
• The DMP rolled all the personal loans/credit cards that I had not negotiated to 0% or that were student loans. I kept a my old wellsfargo student card out of the program and another citcard one that I got for 0% for a year. I want to try and pay those off on my own
• I will be selling some of the bigger items around my house on craigslist in the next month. Thanks Charles for the tip about amazon for books.
• The new updated debt sheet does look ALOT better than the old $334,442 in debt one. BUT the only reason for that is the new one assumes I get my house sold. I may and likely will have tax liabilites from the short sale. I’ll update more when more happens
• Yes, I got 0% for 1 year on many of my credit cards. They only offer this after you haven’t paid them for many months. It’s not a fun route to go. When I went in for my last credit counseling apt they got a copy of my credit report. My score has gone from a 709 (when I bought my house) to now in the 400’s. Yikes.
• The 120K I owe my mother was not a loan. She put me in charge of investing her money, and I day traded it away. Of all my debts, this is obviously the hardest one on me. It has affected our relationship, but it has not destroyed it.
• I ran that tracert thing someone mentioned and the “casey” was from West Sacramento. So, there you go. Seems like it was really that guy.
• It seems some people like reading this blog. Thanks for the comments. I can’t post daily, maybe someday, but right now I have to focus on my business, and selling all my crap.