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Breaking Point - What Will I End Up Like?

Posted in my crazy life by debt kid on the September 10th, 2007

This is the lowest I’ve felt in a very long time. Last week was terrible and the weekend, while fun with some friends in town, was very stressful.

I thought I over drafted my business account into oblivion (ie, beyond being able to bring back), but thanks to some deposits posting it looks like I’m going to be OK there.

What’s not OK right now is me. I hate myself right now. I’m distracted all the time, constantly on edge, never rested, never at ease. The whole mess of living in my office for two months, keeping of the charade of being “OK” to the outside world has seriously affected my personality and thought processes.

Worst of all, my obsession with my situation and ways out of it has turned me into someone I never wanted to be: someone who can’t listen to others. My friendships have dwindled to a short few, of which only one knows what’s really going on in my life. It’s incredibly difficult for me to make new friendships because a.) I don’t get out much, though I’m trying more and b.) I have to be creative in every answer I give someone.

The truth is that I’m OK, and I’m not. I’m generally happy but I’m lonely. I’m ambitious but short sighted. I’m content with being poor, but yet I have to pursue profit. Because of what I’ve done I’m forced to make decisions and determine priorities not based I what I desire (love, relationships, faith, service), but on what is best for my financial situation.

God, no wonder I hate myself right now.

When I first came clean with my family and myself, I thought this process would make me a better person, stronger, more empathetic, more creative. Instead, I feel weaker, more selfish, more jaded.

If I can’t genuinely love other people because I’m so preoccupied without my own well-being and self preservation, what the crap am I doing with my life? I always thought (and had been told) that one of my greatest strengths was my ability to relate and be some sort of comfort to a wide range of people. I’ve lost that. I’ve lost my ability to care outside my own ‘effed up world, and it’s killing me.

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debt kid said,

on September 10th, 2007 at 4:41 pm

I’m thinking of going back to the counselor I was seeing earlier in the year. I’ll talk to my father about it (he was paying for the sessions) and see what he thinks. It might be good to have an independent ear on some of this crapola…

moom said,

on September 10th, 2007 at 6:17 pm

I think you need to be honest with people on a need to know basis. But put a positive spin on it - that you are trying to turn things around, things look good for your business and you think you can pay back what you owe.

catriona said,

on September 10th, 2007 at 7:15 pm

Well,

I’m not a therapist, but:

It seems to me that one of the things that’s making this so hard for you emotionally is that at some level, you feel as if the crisis ought to be over by now. And yet (as this most recent near-overdraft situation suggests), it’s still ongoing. You’re trying to put a good face on things for others and you’re judging yourself by the standards you would apply if things were fine. But they’re not fine, and–much as you want things to be all better right now– they’re not. It takes time to recuperate.

I think maybe you should cut yourself some slack for being preoccupied with your financial situation. You wouldn’t judge someone harshly for being preoccupied with rebuilding if their house had burned down, and in a way, this is the same. And I don’t think you should be hard on yourself for being unable to be a comfort to others when you’re seeking and not finding a sense of security for yourself.

I don’t know a lot about counselors, but I think that they’re mostly an ear for how you’re feeling. I don’t know how much guidance they offer about what to do. If I were in your situation, I think what I would want more than anything would be some sort of concrete, actionable plan that would get me out of crisis mode. And would give me a timeline so that even if the crisis wasn’t over today, I could look forward to completing specific, achievable milestones that would indicate that things were getting better. But that’s just me. I don’t know everything that’s going on with you.

Nicole said,

on September 10th, 2007 at 7:32 pm

You sound depressed to me. If counseling or medication is what it takes to get you through this to the other side then do it!

I don’t think there’s any shame at all in your situation. Why not be open and upfront about it with people? Reach out to people and let them in.

And I’ve personally had a recent epiphany which is that happiness has very little to do with what happens in your live and everything to so with how you react and feel about what happens to you. Look at your internal dialog surrounding your debt and realize that THAT is what forms your reality. Sometimes all you can change is your attitude and outlook on life!

I’m sending you major cyber hugs. Do you feel them!?

David said,

on September 10th, 2007 at 8:00 pm

Welcome to life, kid…

There are going to be tough times like this… it was meant to be. The good news is that it will not always be like this.

The other good news is that you are very close to discovering and declaring the truth. The truth is that all of us really are not alright. There is very good reason to have hatred of ourselves. Why? Because we are sinners. Because our nature is to be selfish. Our nature is to think primarily of ourself and not others.

There is great hope in what you have written today. What you have written has tremendous value because it is a commentary on the true state of mankind. Are you aware that what you have written has striking parallels to what is written in the Bible? If you have not done so already, I suggest that you read Romans, Chapter 7, particularly verses 15-25. You may be surprised with what you read.

Hang in there. I congratulate you on facing the truth, trying to be honest about your situation, and trying to do the right thing. I pray that the God of this universe will look down upon you and have compassion and mercy upon you, and that you will be rescued from these tormenting days such that you will someday give Him all of the glory for what He has done, and that you will not give the glory to yourself.

dm said,

on September 10th, 2007 at 8:22 pm

dk, been a while since I’ve posted here, but I have been reading. (Keeping those feedreader numbers up…)

Why do you have to put up a front? What is it that dictates that you have to hide anything? You should be free to be yourself, no matter what your financial situation.

Yeah, you made some big dumb mistakes. Everyone does. There are a lot of people who are worse off than you. But you have a lot going for you. You’re running your own business. A lot of people thirty years older are still working a 9-5 that they despise, wasting away day after day, making less than you are. Big plus there.

Additionally, you’ve been able to admit to your problem and overcome an addiction. That takes more guts and self discipline than most people have. Another bug plus.

Bottom line is you are who you are. Your situation is what it is. You’re working to change it but in the meantime you do have to live with it. There’s no reason to hide, no reason to alienate yourself.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea, though. It will probably help you talk to someone neutral who can just listen and maybe offer some expert advice.

Best wishes.

john said,

on September 10th, 2007 at 9:08 pm

“if it ain’t one thing, it’s another.”

remain committed to up-to-date, clear financial indicators in your personal and business life.

take breaks.

Cedarpine said,

on September 10th, 2007 at 10:20 pm

I asked for Strength and God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom and God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity and God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage and God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love and God gave me Troubled People to help.
I asked for Favors and God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted
I received everything I needed
My Prayer has been answered

Not a Hater said,

on September 11th, 2007 at 12:26 am

I kinda love you like my own child, but from a distance. If you were doing things the right way, I’d invest in you…just not to the extent I’d invest in my real children. I hope that made sense.

I want to see you succeed, but I doubt it. The reasons that I won’t invest in you or your business are numerous.

Step out of your life for a minute. Remember your short-lived volunteering time? These are the people in society who deserve our pity and our help. When you get there, let me know and I will do everything I can do to help you.

Every delusional step you make sets you further down that path. You make decisions that take my breath away. I feel like I am watching a train wreck in motion. Every chance you have to make the right decision, you make the wrong one.

Taking your business from a business-related address, to me, took your business from a professional business to somebody’s home based “hope” of a business. It put you in the league of Tupperware ladies. When business people advised against it? You complained about your back, and need for a real bed, and you’re 25 years old. SUCK IT UP!
I can’t flog you with this strongly enough. If you want to be an entrepreneur, then act like one! Jesus.

If you freakin’ listened to anybody’s business advice, I might still have a little sympathy for you.

Once you headed down the path of bankruptcy, you lost any decent person’s sympathy.

While you were “debtkid” determined to pay back every dirty penny, you were worthy of admiration and congratulations on every front. You were admirable and a hope for future generations. Once you became
bankruptcy kid” and an excuser you lost the interest of your most fervent supporters. Enjoy the adulation of your fellow bankrupts, I’m sure their numbers will be growing.

Too bad they don’t have any funds to either help your business or click your future ads with any hope of you getting a commission.

Debtkid, you’re 23-24 years old (it’s not worth my time to look up your exact age). You thought you were old enough to be a self-employed business and homeowner. Put up, or shut up. It’s time to be a man. Suck it up and make it work or go down in flames, either way, you do not deserve any pity.

If you had a business plan that you’d make public you might attract investors and still could. If you’d had a plan to keep your investment house (which could have you a ton of money had you a plan for 10+ years) you’d still have it.

Your business sense worries me and I wouldn’t invest in you. You really need to look back to the earlier posts on your blog that give you better advice than your current comments give you.

Seriously, you need to discount these “rah-rah” comments by around 90%. Do you understand that they found your blog by googling “bankrupt”?

I had high hopes for you, son. You disappoint me daily.

Your word is your bond, now find a way to stick to it and not weasel out of it.

I don’t mean to depress you further, I just think that you’re better than this.

Remember this always: Your word is your bond. Your handshake on a deal is 100% guaranteed. If your word means nothing, then you are nothing in the business world. It doesn’t always work, but without it, you are nothing. And this is getting clearer every day.

You really should accept your dad’s offer of counselling.

As a “pseudo-dad” who has your best interests at heart, you need to stop. Just stop. If your business is doing great, then that’s awesome and I wish you the best. If it’s not, and you’re only hoping or wishing for these future profit figures, then please, listen to your family and close friends. Fold it, now. Get whatever W2 job will take you and then push your ideas forward, whether it’s on the side or a few years down the road. A true entrepeneur who isn’t clearing living expenses would tell you the same. If I mustered up enough energy, I’d cry for you. But, it’s your life and you must decide.

That’s $10K free advice, take it or leave it, as you will.

Big Hug Steve said,

on September 11th, 2007 at 3:39 am

I came across your site today and wrote a piece in my credit, debt & life blog that will give you some good and honest advice from a guy that has been there myself. See http://creditdebtlife.blogspot.com/2007/09/debtkid-needs-virtual-hug-really.html

And while a comment above says you don’t deserve any pity, you do deserve compassion.

I’ll post a special picture for you today that will hopefully put a smile on your face, at least for a moment.

Steve

maxx said,

on September 11th, 2007 at 4:41 am

cheer up kid. you may be in debt, but you’re still a hellofa lot more successful than most people i know.

Kathleen said,

on September 11th, 2007 at 5:07 am

You write, “When I first came clean with my family and myself, I thought this process would make me a better person, stronger, more empathetic, more creative. Instead, I feel weaker, more selfish, more jaded.”

I’ve had trauma after trauma in my life, some my fault, a lot not, but I had to go through a “recovery” period where I felt weak and was definitely jaded. I also was very selfish, because I realised I had to put myself first for the first time in my life.

You will be a better, stronger person … but it doesn’t happen overnight. I think our generation expects everything at the click of our fingers, which is perhaps why trading was so addictive to you. You have to work hard at being a better and stronger person. You have to go through all this shit to achieve that, but its what you choose to do with it that determines how you turn out. I believe everything happens for a reason …

and remember to breathe, breathe deeply! It really does help.

Lu said,

on September 11th, 2007 at 5:18 am

A good counselor is not just someone to listen to you. A good counselor provides feedback and gives you tools to change what needs to be changed. He or she can also provide neutral feedback, can help you see your situation in a different way, and sort out the good from the bad. If it was me and I was in your shoes, I’d go to counseling if I had the chance.

Exhaustion is a really big contributor to feeling depressed, and you’ve been working very hard and very long hours and not getting enough rest. It might take your body a little while to catch up with you.

I’m pulling for you. Hang in there. I’m sending a cyber-hug too.

Lost Cause said,

on September 11th, 2007 at 2:20 pm

It is not a surprise that your inward difficulties find outward expression in continuous financial stress. Many would argue that once you get your inward self in order, the outside problems would disappear. You will get this figured out.

You had better find a way to love yourself. I remember a guy who used to kiss himself on the wrist, and say “I love me” just for that reason. Some people have to do whatever it takes.

And defininetly go to the counselor.

louise said,

on September 11th, 2007 at 2:26 pm

Hi debt kid, I read your blog but I often don’t post but I wanted to just give you a word of encouragement.

You have been under enormous pressure for a long time and it sounds like it is catching up with you which is quiet understandble. You could be getting depressed. Talk to your Dad and ask if her could pay for you to see the counselor again. Counseling is so much more than a friendly ear to listen to problems. See someone now, don’t wait till you feel even worse.

Remember that when people feel depressed it actually affects the way they think. So the focus becomes on what is wrong, not all that you have achieved. Your current thinking and view of your self is not nesecarily realistic.

Choosing who you share the ‘real’ you with is wise. It is not a good move to let everyone know all about ourselves, it can make you vulnerable. So you are not being fake, you are showing good judgement.

You have helped a lot of people by sharing your story, this is just another chapter of your story, it is not the last page! You have worked very hard to turn things around. It won’t always feel like this.

sending you a hug, take care

DayJobNuker said,

on September 11th, 2007 at 4:35 pm

Cmon DebtKid, you gotta monetize this blog and get some money coming in. You can start making some money right here on this blog to help you get out of debt.

I like your blog and would like to exchange links with you if you want. You will get some more readers from me. I would put yours under my interesting blogs section.

Let me know. I’m all about making money and nuking my job.
DayJobNuker

B said,

on September 12th, 2007 at 7:07 pm

I don’t know if what you’re going through is depression, or the “recovery”, or maybe just dealing with it somehow?

When I was reading what you were saying, I was surprised that I could relate to it. I’m pretty sure I had (have?) undiagnosed clinical depression (the relentless self-hate and the fixation with a suicide fantasy gave me a clue). I remember how I used to talk to people, be there for my friends etc. Then it just go too much. Trying to handle their problems as well as mine proved impossible.

So my priorities went down to doing exactly what it took to survive, to allow me to take the next step, and nothing more. Yeah, I hate myself more than ever now. I won’t let myself think about it, though.

Yeah, you should see the counselor. Because I can’t even take that step.

Sometimes I’m afraid to talk to people, wondering if by feeding them my opinion, I’m spreading the “depressed” way of thinking. For some reason, I feel like I have to hide my identity from everyone lest they discover the horrible truth of me. My “best friend” is someone I hate. All because of these… lies, because I’m too weak to say what’s really inside.

Don’t fall into it!

Your Are Not Alone - Read Other Debt Confessions said,

on September 13th, 2007 at 12:35 am

There is no requirement to suffer in silence. You are not alone by a long shot. Read the anonymous debt confessions of others and maybe you’ll find comfort in knowing there are many that are losing their lives by seeking help. And they hesitate for fear of what others may think about you.

Big Hug Steve

Jay said,

on September 17th, 2007 at 8:44 am

Take a breath! Your young and this will take time; but it will be gone sooner rather than later.

You got your self into this mess and now you’re going to have to suck it up and get your self out.

You have a long life infront of you.

The DebtKid Needs a Virtual Hug — Really said,

on April 4th, 2008 at 2:57 am

[...] for a rollercoaster read of the debt recovery process. I’m reading the most recent posting, Breaking Point, and wish I was there just to give him a [...]

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes said,

on October 1st, 2008 at 2:22 pm

[...] ago when I was trying to get a place after living in my office, but it’s still not fun. Look at this post from a year ago. My fears there didn’t happen. In fact, this whole fiasco has made me a stronger, better, [...]

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