A little voice keeps telling me over and over, “what you’re doing isn’t worth anything” and “your ideas are just common” or “no one will ever pay for that…”

I have to break this chain of thinking. I got so much done today it was awesome! I also didn’t ever go to sleep last night! My project A plan is really coming on full steam and there is lots to do at the moment (I did take a 90 minute nap in the afternoon finally). And you know what, the project has turned out really well. It’s honestly 3x cooler and sophisticated than our competition and just as easy to use.

I don’t know if It’s going to fly the way I need it to…

but I do know one thing: I need to start believing and having faith in myself that I can create things of value.

At church on Sunday I realized how high of expectations I have for myself, much higher than anyone else (family, friends, God). Sometimes I need to not lower my expectations, but just be proud of what I’ve done.

For example:

• Since I vowed to quit trading I have not gotten even seriously close to funding any trading account. I have no intention of doing so until all my debts are paid off and I know how to invest, and not trade. If I had an addiction, it is no longer an issue at all.
• I short sold my house and avoided foreclosure
• I have kept my business going and somewhat stabilized it even amiss living in my office and sometimes not having a dime
• I have never missed payroll
• I have created some side-opportunities for myself that are challenging and pay well

Now, I’m not saying everything is great. It’s not, but I need to work on having a little more faith in myself.

: ) and I met a girl last week that I think might be kinda interested in me! (yes, I’m a bit giddy…)

I'm 300K in debt. Gulp. I'm 24 and day traded away a fortune. Now I'm trying to crawl back to zero. Why not subscribe to my RSS feed and join me on this journey. You can also subscribe via e-mail. I appreciate tips and feedback! ~ DebtKid

I’ve been doing some part-time writing for Lending Club (kinda a side-job thing! helps pay for my place to sleep!) and spent a good amount of time putting together a list of the Top 30 Most Popular Finance Bloggers.

So…did I make the list?

No, I don’t consider this a finance blog. Plus, I wouldn’t have made the top 30 anyway. Maybe the honorable mention section. Sure, I rant about money and the like, but I rant about women as well. Anyway, make sure and go check out the list, these blogs are all top-notch!

A few years ago I wanted to be rich now. Now as in yesterday now. That led to some really destructive behaviors and the resulting 300K+ of debt I find myself in now.

But I still want to be rich.

Is this a bad thing? I don’t think so. I was talking with my friend who knows about my situation about this earlier in the week and here’s what I had for my reasons of why I want to be wealthy:

1. Freedom - I hate the fact that I just can’t go visit my family on a whim because I don’t have the money. I want to be able to fly and see my family without having to worry about the costs.2.
2. Philanthropy - I’m giving a pittance to charity each month. And it bugs the crap out of me. I have allot of things I am passionate about and would like to be able to help out financially with, but obviously cannot!
3. Mental Health - This isn’t the healthiest association in the world I know…but I feel better when I have a larger amount of money in the bank. I feel more relaxed, more confident, and way less stressed.
4. Family - Besides the fact that I owe my mother a crap load of money, I’d like to be able to take care of her and other members of my extended family more. Yes, I’m just 24….but darn it so is that facebook dude.

So, those are just a few reasons why I still want to be rich. You notice what isn’t there though that probably would have been a few years ago? Well, no fancy car, or big house for one.

Learning to be frugal with my money has taught me the value of so many other things in my life. I used to buy crap I totally didn’t need just because it was cool. Now, I still want some cool gadgets, but I’ll only reward them to myself if I hit certain goals and they would actually be useful in my life.

Anyone else have these reasons as well for wanting to be wealthy? Are there any good reasons I’m missing?

Yesterday I discovered something very wrong with my body…

I was completely dehydrated. Yep. No water to be found. Well, I’m sure I had some water in me, but you know what I mean.

So, while I was grocery shopping I found these giant 1 gallon refreshe water jugs that were a buck a piece. I bought two, so now I have two great water containers to reuse once I go through the “pure” water.

note: I’ve been anti-buying water since it somehow became trendy back in the 9th grade. I mean….it’s water! It comes free out of my faucet. Maybe I’m crazy, but paying for water has always seemed like the craziest thing in the world. Anyway, I have two great water jugs now, and I felt great today and even got out in the rain (more water!) for a quick run.

Sometimes I feel like the most screwed up 24 year old on the planet. I finished my bankrupcty paperwork last week, and I honestly haven’t thought about it since then.

A Bankruptcy is supposed to be like somewhere in the top 5 most traumatic life events right? I swear I read that somewhere, maybe I’m nuts. Anyway…

I’ve screwed up so royally in the past 3 years that this just feels like another step. Not a turning point, but just another step. Stopping my trading addiction was a step, avoiding the foreclosure on the house (with a short sale) was a step, getting an apartment so I wasn’t sleeping on the floor of my office was a step, this BK is another step.

Steps, steps, steps. Those 4 I listed above all happened within the last 8 months. And I see at least another 4 pretty big steps that are going to happen in the next 8 months.

Stepping is tiring. But I will keep doing it! I have too!

I finally got all my bankruptcy paperwork finished last week and mailed off to the lawyer I’ve been working with. I could have swore I remembered the fee being $1,000 when we had a meeting a few months ago.

It’s $1500 + $299 Filing Fee.

Yikes. I have a family member who has offered to cover 1K of the fee (to be paid back someday in the future. Not my favorite option, but I can’t afford $1800 right now and I can’t afford to put off the BK any longer either. So, crap).

The lawyer is very experienced, and I had quite a bit of trouble with all the paperwork that they requested. Mostly due to me stupidly not keeping good books last year and earlier this year for my business.

I know there are cheaper Ch. 7 lawyers in Seattle, but unless the fee agreement (which I haven’t signed yet. It should show up tomorrow) is crazy, I think I’ll just take the family money, pony up some of my own and just get this over with.

This whole crazy mess is really messing with my business confidence at the moment. It’s fine that it messes with me personally, that’s to be expected. But it’s starting to spill over into my business, which is not cool.

You should try to avoid Bankruptcy at all costs!

So, I’ve decided I need to motivate myself a little more. While one would think just getting out of debt would be enough motivation, it isn’t. It’s a big chunk of motivation, but lets face it, I need more. So, I’m going to profile some stuff I want, and the goals I have to hit before I can reward myself with it.

One thing I’ve noticed is that spending money has become a very awful experience for me. So much so that I dread shopping and the anxiety it causes me. Even when I know I need to get certain things (shaving blades…groceries…etc). So, I need to get over that a little bit. Not that I’m going to spend like mad (I don’t have the money), but if I ever do and I hit my goals I want to reward myself a bit.

If my plan A business hits $15,000/mo I want to reward myself with a new phone, specifically the new At&t Tilt Phone!

Goal: $15,000/mo in new business

Hopeful Goal Date: Jan 1 2008:

Reward: New At&t Tilt Phone!

Oh, and I’m cranky because my stupid bed set that I got for cheap on craigslist is twin sized. Not twin-extra long….just twin.

I’m frickin 72″ long and so is my bed. It’s just not working out. (and yet I’m still very thankful to not be living in my office anymore. amen to that. but my bed still sucks.)

Or at least something to speed up time.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting….waiting for tomorrow. Waiting for next week. Always working, yet always waiting.

Today was not the best day. A potential partner fell through on my Plan A project. It’s not a huge deal, it was just disappointing. I think the problem is that I take any failure (even a small one) or setback and make it into a huge thing in my mind. I think I fail to look at the big picture sometimes and I get frusterated when things are crappy right now in the present.

Sometimes I just want to get absolutely plastered and forget everything, you know? And yet I don’t. I probably should….but I don’t. Never been much of a drinker…too many alcoholics in my family tree. But seriously…I really thought about it today. I know I won’t….but it was ever so slightly tempting. (bear in mind…me having 2 drinks would equal the most I’ve ever drank in my life. Yes. I know. I was sheltered)

I actually have a good chunk of money in the bank right now for the business. But, it’s all budgeted out for later expenses this month….and yet it sits there….almost mocking me. Mocking me while I have to finish my bankruptcy paperwork tomorrow.

I’m bored. I’m bored with my life. I’m bored with writing for seemingly no purpose. I’m bored with the TV shows I watch just to get by in the evenings. And now I’m rambling. It’s time for bed.

I know I have a lot of really wonderful people who seem to read my ramblings here and give me encouragement….but sometimes I think I just need a good kick in the arse.

So, my car died over the weekend. Or so I thought it died. I thought it was a dead alternator…turns out it was just a dead battery. Having some extra time I decided to get the oil changed since my good fortune left me with a bit of extra budget (I was expecting a few hundred dollars in repairs). While waiting for the oil change I took some pics on a beautiful stormy day in Seattle.

Here’s some standing water. Not exciting, but I liked the reflection of the sky in the water.

A car nearly splashes me!

Weird metal running

I think this is my favorite from the walk (in the Olympic sculpture park)

the crane and the needle